Thursday, July 30, 2015

The Death of Summer

I have only been a part of a few deaths, but they have all followed similar protocol. They have started abruptly, strung out for seeming eternity, then ended peacefully yet with deep deep sorrow that no matter the preparation I was not ready. The shock is always the easiest for me to overcome because i want to get in and be helpful and useful and forward moving. I have only been in the loop of carrying the burden of recovery a couple of times, but i have witnessed several loved ones do it. It is a heavy heavy load that is carried with ease, joyful heart, sorrowful forgiveness and exhausting supplies of God's energy and adrenaline.  The close relationships of family and friends that are in place only become stronger and the peripheral gets pushed even further.  The death almost seems a relief to those care giving and those suffering, except it is NOT. It is deep pain and sadness. Did you do enough, did you love hard, did you forgive, did you laugh, did you create a bond that will last eternity? 
This is summer for me every. damn. year. 

Summer comes like a bucket of cold water at 6am. Fast, hard and way too early for my personality type.  So of course I am up and running and have the world as our oyster before the first espresso has been polished off.  Adventures abound, so much to see, so much to do now that we are the masters of our own schedule. Come mid summer we have given ourselves enough fun hangover days that we have settled into the frat life. Breakfast at 10, lunch at 3, maybe we get dressed and live it up until midnight..or maybe we never shower until Thursday...pool counts right?  This is the sweet spot of summer. I could live here forever. But there is always that nagging thing around the corner that keeps us from lingering too long. It is like a persistent rash. #school 
And now here we sit with rice on our tux and only one week left of summer. 
Dream Paralysis, Panic, Frustration, Sadness. 
Did I do enough? Did we laugh, did we see? Did we sing, dance, love? Did we strengthen our shell to withstand another 9 months of arrows being shot at our armor? Did we build enough? 
my heart is heavy. another year of enthusiasm to summon up.