For the love of Cupcakes

Blah Blah Blah, same story: Been so long since i wrote anything. But I swear that i do think all the time!!! It's just the putting it out there part and my lack of follow through. I am the idea girl. Thats IT!
So here it is then. Death. I have been recently grieving the death of my dear dear friend. Just a simple woman with an incredible mind and ability to warm my  heart yet piss me off all over the course of a Grande Latte. She was so very talented in ways that most all other people I have met are lacking. She was an idea girl! She died very alone. She came from such a big family, yet had no children and hardly a spouse and was just Alone. How does that happen to someone? Side note: it takes a village, we can not be anyones universe, that is what God is for. My heart continues to ache for her in this particular way:

It is like she never existed.

Which isn't that the human way, and isn't that what all the "green" folk are pushing for? No footprint?
How can we make a foot print, yet not leave one? This woman, I suppose,  did not...except on me..maybe a few more. But I will not share her life or her stories with my children or grandchildren as I don't know them very well and she was not integrated into their lives in a way that you would think healthy.  I suppose I will cherish her for myself which seems incredible selfish and the exact opposite of Gods message in salvation and eternal life....but I just cant get past the point. Ashes to Ashes, dust to dust.

Which brings me to:

Fucking Winter.

That is right....Winter, which means we have spent the past 3 weeks heavily on the couch, in a bed, eating wafers, drinking Pedialyte (probably contains GMO"s). It is the season for unhealth. However, it is these bare moments that my footprint is being created...with my children, with my husband, my neighbor, my parents. Life lessons that will be spread like the little germs my kids are spreading now. I have no desire to change the world in a Grand way. I do desire to impact people in my path for good. So that when I die those lessons and stories are passed on and my time here doesn't die when I die. I suppose my perspective is changing even as I type...perhaps my dear friend had it right all along.

I just want to exist! 

Just as your children are a mirror of yourself, I reflect that Death is the same. Such a character building experience, unless of course, you are dead.  So while many of my frilly readers will have a hard time with this post, all of us will Pass! #JanetJackson What have you done for me Lately? I hope I can do more with a happy heart and a legacy. 

RIP Sally Roberts Mayer 

Retro Book Worm

I have to thank my mother for choosing the very best stories to read to me as a child. Those books are still top today. She read every single night and nurtured a love of books in me that no Ipad/nook/kindle can replace. The stanky old library books are really where it is at. I have to thank my father too! He did not partake in the bed time "Make way for the Ducklings" bit. However he was always reading, usually at meal time. To himself and then sharing a highlight with us. The words, the images are still with me hauntingly so.

The bedtime story....I love it! It is perhaps the very best time of day for so many reason.
It makes me seem very old, but I am so sick of all the current hip songs, shows, books, marketing, food, furnishings. I have a pit in my stomach...it aches for the 80's maybe even the 70's. So tonight it was Mom's choice for story time. I usually read one time for all to listen, but on special nights (the kind when i am in the mood to snuggle in each kids bed) I hop around and each kid gets a tailor made story for them. I love those nights best.

For Gwendolyn, who reads in the car everyday, never forgets a book when going to a restaurant and laughs out loud at her comedy tales and brings a smile to my face: Lazy Tommy Pumpkin Head. Perhaps my very most favorite childhood tale. I always checked it out from the library and now thanks to mom and Amazon.com have a copy of my own to share.

For Jonah, the quiet reader that knows so much more than he will let you believe, who reads fact rarely fiction and then builds models of the things he has read about: Ferdinand. The simplest yet truest story i hold on to about just being yourself and not caring about the rest. A lesson I try to live each day with God on my side and am trusting my boy will do the same

For Piccolina, who pretends she can read sweet valley high but we all know it is a rouse. The lady that will charm you into reading the longest bedtime story but you gladly say yes because she is the best snuggler. The Giving Tree: A story i still do NOT understand and seems very sad and unfriendly and entitled and emotionally draining. However it is there, like the birthmark you came with! And you read it, spin it, try to cover it up and are so glad when it is over and its time to sing songs. Oh Phoebe...you are a light in this dark world...thank you for listening.

Question and Answer?

I must say that I have not felt compelled to write in so so long. Perhaps because at the end of the day I have already answered so many other peoples questions..that to ask myself any questions just seems down right cruel and stupid. However, it has been brought to my attention that i may need a bit more reflection in my day. In fact, not so much reflection as it would be prayer. In fact, not so much prayer as it would be me just asking God...WHAT AM I missing, Who am I, What do you want for me? I see you trying to talk to me, hitting me over the head with it...WHAT is IT?

Perhaps the only way i will figure it out is by asking and listening...the VERY things I teach my kids to do all day LONG. So here it is folks...one of the Darker yet True moments in the Cain Train Blog (check the description). Pretty sure CPS has me red flagged seeing our last 9 months of events and God is clearly trying to get it through my thick skull.  Life is NOT roses. There I said it. No matter how glorious we want it to seem..it is not. So in an effort to Pay Attention, Listen and Ask questions, I am going to commit to 15 min of reflection in the word a day. I shall report back with any Answers!

 Now all of you: Go ask someone something and see what the answer is...Perhaps someone will learn something...I hope it is me

1st Rodeo

1st Rodeo

Although many people use the phrase "Not my first Rodeo" This actually was and IS my first Rodeo. My first time being a wife, a parent, a homeowner, a grown up.  Last weekend I took Gwendolyn to her first rodeo, she rocked it and with ease. Let this sweet 8 yr old girl show me how it is done.

 As 2013 begins I find myself realizing that the only way I am ever going to rope any steer is to let go of my rope. Letting go of many ropes actually. First up and at the forefront is my 8yr old lady Gwendolyn. I am watching her turn into a young woman and while most of me is pushing hard for it not to happen...it is happening anyway. I must let that rope loose.....she will fly. Next is my home...it will never look like the pictures on pintrest so i need to stop caring. This home shall be a place of peace and warmth for our family and friends that seek comfort. While I am running around lassoing legos and pet shops I must remember that a sweet smell of dinner and comfort of music are better than spotless floors and shiny doors.

 Sigh. Last and probably the hardest rope to toss free. Time. I am a time nazi, refuse to be late. But i am seeing more clearly by being at the barn with my kids and the cowboys/cowgirls. Time is really yours, and what you make it. So while my obsession for punctuality may stick around...I am finding that it is much easier to plan less and do more. So saddle up 2013, I am ready to rope.

Call em like we See em

It has been a very busy, productive, and milestone kind of a month for the Cain Train.

The Lady has been successfully riding her bike with no training wheels for weeks now! The Dude was baptized a week ago, amazing! The Pickle is hilarious! Today something out of the ordinary happend. It was one of those times, when the words coming from your mouth have far impacted the room before the punctuation has been added to the sentence. As you all do, we have buckets of candy on top of the fridge right now (Thank You Halloween). Today at lunch was just like every other lunch this week. Down come the buckets, the kids make thier choice and then up go the buckets. Today the candy choices caused a bit of a stumble for me. Jonah is starting to ready but having a hard time sounding out so I chimed in.

Side note, we have alwaysed used correct terminology in our home for pretty much everything and try very hard not to make fun of words or things that are just the way We are All made and All do. We use this approach in hopes that life will be more honest and up front when they go out our doors and into the real world.

Today it happend, that Freudian slip that has fallen out of your mouth so fast, you can not take it back.."Reeces Penis"! I said it, there was no pause, they all died laughing, including Justin and myself (with my head burried of course).

I would advise you all to remove those candies from your buckets to avoid any ridiculous lunch chatter.

The End

Wednesday

Child of woe is wane and delicate...sensitive and on the quiet side, she loves the picnics and outings to the underground caverns...a solemn child, prim in dress and, on the whole, pretty lost...secretive and imaginitive, poetic, seems underprivileged and given to occasional tantrums...has six toes on one foot...^[2] ”
 

— Charles Addams

 

 

My girl learned to ride her bike last week. No training wheels....I am pretty sure she was humming the wicked witch song from the Wizard of Oz...as she peddled like a mad woman.

 

Good Night France (written through my tears, on my final night in Cabris)

I have spent the week 5000 miles from home. Leaving behind my husband, children and dogs. I was ready to come home, half way across the United States only on my first flight.  I am a sap and missed my people already. However, I am so glad I made the trip, created the memories, and took the chance (Je prende le Risque).  Next is my account of the events.

In the countryside of South France, only footsteps from the Mediterranean, the homes are separated by thick hills full of green and stillness. The sound of a crying baby or a roaring party guest are exactly the same as in Phoenix, but they are followed by the echo of empty space.  

The impromptu family dinners for 10, taste and feel the same as at home too.  The to do list for the wife is The SAME. The highs and melt downs of a 2 year old are The SAME, and the dogs life is The SAME.

The hard work is The SAME, and they give birth the same too. There are really only two major differences I noticed. The BEACH! So beautiful and naked. Topless everyone and little naked children running around all over, I was praying they had sunscreen on!

And second, my Sister. She is beautifully pregnant and so at home there.  Although there may not be an outward overflowing spectacle of our relationship, the true, underlying "you don't have to say one word" is the part that I miss terribly and hate to leave.  I suppose that is the reason we can not talk or see each other for a month or a year even, yet fall back into place as we were just together. I do feel selfish that I didn't make it for Eloise. But I am rationalizing that Cash will remember me and Megan and I will have a memory for the lifetime.

Good Night France.